How do you accept your body covered in scars and dents knowing there’s soon going to be more to add to the collection?
I mean I’m not obsessively vain and I know there’s much worse things happening to people over the world so I don’t want to sound selfish and stupid but seriously I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.
I’ve gone from being super confident always posing in swimwear, I even modelled lingerie and swimwear for as long as I can remember but now I can’t even face going on holiday because I couldn’t just throw on a primark bikini and pull it off.
The photo I’ve used for this blog post don’t really show that well which is why I don’t mind it so much but I can literally place my finger into my dimples the drains have left either side of my tummy, The scar under my belly button literally looks like some sort of insect the scar looks like a scorpion it’s just so ugly and the C section scar that you can’t see as it really is quite low down on my knicker line is swollen still and bulges out like a shelf almost and I have no feeling there so it just makes me feel sick to look it as well as to touch.
I know scars tell stories and it’s easy for someone who hasn’t experienced this to say … oh your beautiful with or without scars, or the scars show your journey….
Personally I hate them as they are a constant reminder of this shit ordeal I’ve had to go through for the past god knows how long.
I think the worst is knowing that there’s soon going to be more as I’m now waiting for my next surgery which is looking to take place when my appointments start June 29th.
But after speaking to another woman who reached out finally who is at the same stage as me she has now had to have surgery pretty much every 6 months of her life since being diagnosed with frozen pelvis disease, how many surgeries can many body take ?
I’ve always modelled most of my life whether it be when I was a child, for catalogues, for magazines, I even made it into Zoo’s top 100 hottest women back in 2012 I was gobsmacked.
I think when suffering with a “invisible illness” people don’t realise just what it is you as a individual have to face on a daily basis, I am strong, I have to be. Dont get me wrong there are times where I curl up in a ball and cry but what good does that do? I even resulted to cutting myself once to numb the pain, selfish I know but it easily gets you down about it so I have to be positive and I have to have faith that one day a cure will be found and this will all be over.
Luckily I have amazing friends and family who have helped me stay positive and keep fighting it.
Along with scars and constant surgeries, not being able to work which i miss doing hair and beauty so much, being intolerant to every single food I relied on to keep my weight on, not being able to exercise, missing out on friends birthdays because I can’t drink and I can’t risk being in a vulnerable place incase of a flare up.
There is so much more to a chronic illness that people just don’t understand.
My entire life is planned around surgeries, doctors appointments and medication. I’ve recently had to start self medicating morphine from home, I didn’t even know they give out bottles of morphine.
I’ve recently bought bio oil but I haven’t kept on top of applying it every day, most days I don’t even get dressed nether mind have the energy to treat my scars.
My main aim for my honestly and sharing my personal story is to prompt my friends, my family and you who take the time out to read my blogs to understand and to share my blogs to help reach out to other women who are also suffering and help educate others on what this disease is and what it does to us as women.
They say 1 in 10 women have Endometriosis, most can carry on with their lives and avoid surgery but others like myself who have it so severe and aggressive can’t do that and it’s important we share our journeys to help reach out and prey for a cure.
I was taken into hospital three days ago where my flare up was so bad I just couldn’t cope with it by myself which I have learnt to do. I woke up and felt terrible, my tummy cramps were awful and I collapsed on the floor on my landing, luckily my auntie lives locally so I called her and she took me into the hospital A&E ( luckily my GP arranges for a gynaecologist to meet me so I can go straight to the ward now and not wait in A&E)
It’s frustrating when the surgeons come to me whilst I’m in agony in the hospital ( it eased after I was given morphine) to tell me my case is so severe they can’t do any kind of surgery because they aren’t expert enough and worried they may cause damage to other organs as my bowel is so inflamed along with my other organs 🙄 I have to wait now until I start treatment at London University Hospital with Frozen Pelvis Disease specialist surgeon Mr Seridogan as my condition is just too dangerous for my previous surgeon to work on.
I recently read that Marilyn Monroe suffered with severe Endometriosis and some claimed that her death may have been a cause of her overdosing on the drugs she was given to ease the pain and block out the devastation of not being able to have children of her own. Apparently she went into surgery with a note sellotaped to her stomach pleading with the doctors not to take her organs. I don’t know how true this is and I’ve done some research but to be honest I’m now on so much medication daily including morphine and codeine my heads way too cloudy to even make sense of any of it.
Endometriosis and Frozen Pelvis Disease is ruining lives and we can make a difference by sharing our journeys and experience and hopefully help reach out to others.
Thank you for your time in reading my blog I would appreciate it so much if you could share my blog to help raise awareness and prey one day they find a cure.